Burst

I opened my eyes this morning the same way I'd opened them yesterday, and all the other mornings before. It seems like I only know one way to do this- both my eyes at once with their pupils dilated- and I'm beginning to think that perhaps there exists just one way to wake up. The only times I saw anyone waking up one eye at a time were on the TV, and it probably wasn't natural. Or maybe it was and even something I'd done before, but never noticed. 'Observant' and 'meticulous' used to describe me quite accurately. I used to care a lot about details- gel or wax or mousse in his hair, "no pepper in my soup, please", silver earrings clashing with her gold chain, Justine vs Justin, etc. I don't know why I ever stopped.

My Chinese teacher says my Mandarin has improved. I think it's great that I could be improving on something without noticing. Alternatively, maybe I'm not noticing anything because there simply isn't anything to notice. My Chinese teacher was very impressed by the fact that I still remembered how to write all three characters of my Chinese name. Like, I think she almost wanted to give me a sticker, or something. She doesn't expect much from me. Clearly. (She thinks I'm autistic.) (I've no idea why.) (I wish I were joking.)

Aside from opening my eyes this morning and contrary to how most people think I lack the presence of mind to self- deprecate, I wasted 10 minutes criticizing myself aloud in front of my mirror. I usually only allocate 2 minutes for intensive self- loathing each day, where I spit insults out at my reflection as if they were pubic hair, or else I'm as good as a shaken soda bottle for the rest of the day. I also walk into glass doors and fall down flights of stairs wherever possible, because slitting one's wrist has become a rather corny idea of self- mutilation in my mind.

I managed to successfully finish a bowl of oats without making a mess while my mom weaved us in and out of impatient morning traffic, which made me feel kind of great about myself.

Anyway, I've slept more or less 56 hours in the last 14 days, which explains why my energy has been coming in surges that vary in length from 20 seconds to 6 minutes each time. So, it's quite important that I fall asleep tonight.

Now I have to go imagine a scrawny, rib- showing frame that is Shaun in my arms. Be well, bye!