Today is Christmas Eve. We usually go to my uncle's house in the evening to wish him a Happy Birthday and appreciate what it means to be family. For as long as I can remember, that's usually what happens on the night before Christmas. I've been reluctant to commit to anything or anyone who isn't family, so I haven't quite figured out yet what I will do with myself tonight. My dad says I should go to church. I'm just hoping it will be enough to fill the hole, or I might have to use something else to fill/forget the hole. "It's complicated". At least my mom is roasting lamb for my dinner which reminds me of last Christmas Eve, last last Christmas Eve, the Christmas Eve before last last Christmas Eve, etc. (Comforted.) I would have outstayed my welcome last Christmas Eve if I had known. I wouldn't have left early.

Sarah (the bad one who makes me do bad things) has been out of service since last week, which made it possible for me to be good again. The past few days have been easy and I realised I was never so happy in my whole life. Shaun gave me a blue flower at 2 AM the other morning which made me feel like one million dollars and helped me put a few of my own fears in order. I am not rich, but there is nothing I want that can be wrapped and then unwrapped. (Everyone thinks I'm just trying to be difficult.)

Got to nap now. Have a Merry Christmas!