Accept

Waking up at 6 30 AM for school (and NOT feeling like P. Diddy) every morning is such a trial..

I don't usually use thought to avoid participating in life but because the teacher didn't allow us to talk to one another or listen to our iPods (and I didn't know how to do my homework) during detention last Friday, I took the opportunity to think about my life- which I lived, but hardly ever thought about.

Watching my friends (some heartbroken, some in love, others just hanging around) and a few TV series (Brothers & Sisters, Gossip Girl, Skins, How I Your Mother), made me recognise and appreciate that most people have their own ideas and versions of love which are constantly evolving. I definitely can't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it means for me.

Currently, the tenet that love is not a feeling, but a capability seems to be gaining more momentum in my life. I don't know the exact significance of this, but I find it very moving when you ask someone to please take your heart- with all of its stains and scars- and they do. And they don't try to make you feel shame. And when they ask if you could do the same for them, you say yes. And you still want to be with them more than any other person.

Shaun gave me a red daisy last night which immediately put everything back in the places they belonged much quicker and more effectively than the quiet ever did. As much as this makes me feel uneasy and anxious, I guess sometimes it's all right to trust someone else to fix you up again.

Bons baisers.

Hiccup

Ay- oooo! This is gonna be quite hard for some of you to wrap your heads around, but I think my boyfriend is trying to kill me.

Similar to the idea of how gravity isn't only what makes us fall, but also what makes our muscles strong, my relationship with Shaun is currently tinged with ambivalence. (Ha ha ha.. Why do I always end up sounding like such a complete douche when I try to use bombastic language? Probably cause it is inappropriate in this format, but my mom says I should practice using the vocabulary words that I learn in school in my writings.)

I think very often, in the absence of vigilance, it gets hard to see the lines we've drawn until we cross them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm "asking for it" or being ridiculous by relying (too much on)/expecting (too much from) the ones I love, to pull me back from the brink and give me something to hold on to, because I haven't yet decided for myself if emotional self- sufficiency is more of an asset or liability. Quite frankly, I still don't know a single thing that I didn't know a year ago.

I'm very preoccupied at the moment, with finding all the possible reasons disappointment and grief runs through my autobiography. Hopefully, the clean and easy getaway I just made will let the quiet put everything back in the places they belong.

May boyfriends and girlfriends everywhere stop trying to kill each other. Goodnight!

Prozac

Hi. Reading the journal entries that I'd written a couple of years back- riddled with bad spelling and stupidities- reminded me of how inevitably, when you write something, you might later regret it. I kinda don't know what to write here anymore.. Ha ha.

Starved for entertainment and adventure, my friends and I have been visiting very sleazy bars in an effort to offset the diminishing thrill and novelty of drinking alcohol, as more of us turn 18. Last week, I got the chance to talk with a prostitute before filtering in and out of consciousness. I wish I had more to write on this, but I either only managed to say Hi or have a very bad memory. My friends and I should really reconsider getting into the habit of going to see movies instead.

Anyway, I've fallen in love (whatever that means) so many times, I'm starting to suspect that I haven't actually been falling in love at all, but merely doing something much more ordinary. I hope it's just the naivety/foolishness which comes with youth that incites me to love the next thing that will change my life, because repeatedly obsessing over the wrong people is going to be what kills me.

I begin a new term at school tomorrow. Goodnight, wish me luck!

Blame

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies because of blinding errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, and tarnishing.”— Anais Nin

Inferiority

Hello.. I apologize for disappearing yet again, but I've had my head buried in schoolwork all week! In preparation for my upcoming tests, I've been surviving on salmon and very little sleep. I am having an impossible time figuring out how to write proper topic sentences for my essays. Très frustrating.

Out of the proverbial blue Gerard came up to me the other day and said/stuttered, "Ju- ju- ju- us- ustine, I would fuck your boyfriend." This freaked me out because he used the f- word to mean sex- which is something that makes me uncomfortable, except when it's used in the context of 'f--- your mother' because I find it funny- and Gerard is a boy. But he saw this and quickly said, "Obviously, if I were a girl." Which (obviously) he thought was going to make me feel better, but instead I got this awful feeling that I think is jealousy, but I can't be sure, because I almost always feel fear before I feel anything else. Struggling for a reaction, I just laughed to mask my interior burn and then tried to pretend that he was dead.

I think I managed to forget my self- worth over the course of the week, which is a real pity because it's something I'd previously invested a great deal of time and energy into trying to define, redefine, and re- redefine. And I'd even gone on to do all sorts of absurd/extreme things as feeble attempts of justification. I wonder if it's just how I'm wired or if it's the odd little nook of time and space that we live in, that makes it so difficult to distinguish the thoughts that emanate from our darkness, and those from our light.

Anyway, Shaun and I thought we might eat something Korean last night, but with budget limitations being what they are, we ended up eating mediocre Japanese food. After that, we compensated ourselves with ice cream and frozen yogurt. Plus, a couple of fags (Shaun) and new high heels (self), which quite possibly might have been overcompensation.

Most of the time, I'm thinking too fast and my thoughts are like a trance, but they're there, and they won't go away, and sometimes I know I've got it wrong in my head, but things just feel that way sometimes. Being with Shaun makes my brain quiet, so yesterday was a nice way to wind down from what felt like a physically and emotionally depleting week.

I hope everyone had a smooth transition from February into March. Gtg.