Hello.. I apologize for disappearing yet again, but I've had my head buried in schoolwork all week! In preparation for my upcoming tests, I've been surviving on salmon and very little sleep. I am having an impossible time figuring out how to write proper topic sentences for my essays. Très frustrating.
Out of the proverbial blue Gerard came up to me the other day and said/stuttered, "Ju- ju- ju- us- ustine, I would fuck your boyfriend." This freaked me out because he used the f- word to mean sex- which is something that makes me uncomfortable, except when it's used in the context of 'f--- your mother' because I find it funny- and Gerard is a boy. But he saw this and quickly said, "Obviously, if I were a girl." Which (obviously) he thought was going to make me feel better, but instead I got this awful feeling that I think is jealousy, but I can't be sure, because I almost always feel fear before I feel anything else. Struggling for a reaction, I just laughed to mask my interior burn and then tried to pretend that he was dead.
I think I managed to forget my self- worth over the course of the week, which is a real pity because it's something I'd previously invested a great deal of time and energy into trying to define, redefine, and re- redefine. And I'd even gone on to do all sorts of absurd/extreme things as feeble attempts of justification. I wonder if it's just how I'm wired or if it's the odd little nook of time and space that we live in, that makes it so difficult to distinguish the thoughts that emanate from our darkness, and those from our light.
Anyway, Shaun and I thought we might eat something Korean last night, but with budget limitations being what they are, we ended up eating mediocre Japanese food. After that, we compensated ourselves with ice cream and frozen yogurt. Plus, a couple of fags (Shaun) and new high heels (self), which quite possibly might have been overcompensation.
Most of the time, I'm thinking too fast and my thoughts are like a trance, but they're there, and they won't go away, and sometimes I know I've got it wrong in my head, but things just feel that way sometimes. Being with Shaun makes my brain quiet, so yesterday was a nice way to wind down from what felt like a physically and emotionally depleting week.
I hope everyone had a smooth transition from February into March. Gtg.
