Economics

Hello....... Been slammed at school all week, so it's quite great that tomorrow is Friday and that the day after is Saturday.

I (low self- confidence/unadventurous/afraid of the unknown) remember being totally intimidated by a lot of people this time last year. Now that I'm a "senior" at the place where I go to get an education, I've decided to dedicate the next few days to intimidating whatever fresh meat I can instead of completing my assignments. Who's with me? Ok, great. Rah, Nut, Char, and Jud, you four are in by default. (Haha.)

Time for bed.

Common

Last night Shaun had fried chicken while I ate a tofu salad because I'm starting to look like Deborah, who looks like ten pounds of dog shit in a five- pound bag. We shared a cup of calorific ice cream afterward which totally neutralized, if not reversed, the nutritional benefits of eating a tofu salad. (I love dessert!!)

My mind started misbehaving just as the street lights came on, which forced us into catching an early train home. My fears, exacerbated by excess/unnecessary baggage from my previous (truly traumatizing) relationship with a total douche, ran out of control. As a result, Shaun had to spend the remainder of the night putting things back into perspective for me.

My ex boyfriend had been cheating on me ever since we started going out. (Of course, everyone but me was clued- up. Obviously. Duh. Arrgh.) And when I say cheat, I wish I meant he got drunk once and fooled around with one girl and then felt bad about it. But there were several girls, on several occasions- drunk and sober. And I guess he never felt bad. Kind of like Tiger Woods. But way less cool.

Our relationship should have ended sooner rather than later, because he affected me in the worst way possible. Unfortunately, I was always ready to forgive because I was never told enough to make me want to stay away. And even when I was told a bit, I never did listen or believe enough. (Oops, my bad.) When I eventually found out enough though, it made me become so seriously retarded, and I couldn't help but doubt everything about everything- especially myself. If I had thought someone would notice or care, I’d have cut myself.

Although what he did was shitty and selfish, he did care about me (arguable, but true to a certain/small extent) and fold me a couple of hundred paper hearts. But love sucks when it's one sided, which is why you should always try to avoid it at all costs until you find someone who respects you as a person and makes you feel infinite. (And remember to reciprocate back.)

Good luck! Xoxo.

Hotel

I just remembered that I never got around to writing about the time I spent the night at Crockfords Tower, which was last weekend. So, tada!!

The Time I Spent The Night At Crockfords Tower by Justine

My parents make a continuous effort to demonstrate that their love for me is (at least) 10 times stronger than their love for my brothers and sister (combined). Even though if and whenever asked, they would never admit to this, I think we all know that actions speak louder than words. Naturally, I was the only one they brought with them to spend the night at Crockfords Tower. Initially upset about being away from home (one night is a pretty loooong time) and unaware of the 24- hour butler service available at the hotel, I went with equivocal enthusiasm/against my will.

The smell of paint filled the air in the car park. I love the smell of paint, but not in a dangerous/substance abuse way. (I'd rather sniff paint than car exhaust any day.) Actually, I'm not sure if it is the smell of paint that I love per se, or if it's because I associate the smell of paint with new stuff. (I love new stuff.) Speaking of smells, I love the smell of Lola by Marc Jacobs.

Anyway, they had a very elaborate and spectacular piece of glass art displayed behind the reception desk which caught my attention for 10 minutes. If you knew me, you'd know that my attention span for things like glass art is about 3 seconds. 10 minutes may be a slight exaggeration on my part, but I really do hope you think it's elaborate and spectacular when you see it. (Because it is.)

Uhhhh...... I can't remember much from last Sunday, except that our butler was really helpful and European (possibly Spanish). I was momentarily dispirited and even lost faith in the butler service when Christopher wouldn't help me write my essay outline or solve Math problems, but he redeemed himself (and the service) by getting me connected to the Internet.

After getting out of the steam room, I found a telephone to call Shaun with, and I did. Consequently, my dad ended up paying $20 for the phone call on Monday morning, which I think is kind of ridiculous. Not that much was even said that night, thanks to my mom who was insistent about putting Shaun on speakerphone and cuddling up next to me. (Even though it was already 1 AM and the bed was in the other room.)

I went to school with a backpack filled with undone assignments, which I guess made it just like any other Monday. (Or day, for that matter.)

-

This weekend my phone got stolen. More on this soon. Cya!

Joke

Hi. I didn't go to school yesterday because I was "too tired". Something (an excuse) I mindlessly blurt out to escape hardship/babysitting/doing whatever I don't want to. Yea yea yea, I'll get myself a new attitude over the weekend.

All of my favourite boys- boyfriend, (shit eating) ex boyfriend, skeleton boy from my closet- gathered at the bar last night for cheap beer. I don't think or know how I will ever get over the uncanny similarities (flat, excessively bitter, cloudy) that I share with cheap beer. I only wish I had noticed sooner.

Anyway, I hope I haven't become too cynical, but I refuse to take a heartbreak personally anymore. If you really think about it, we could be anywhere we wanted to and still be bruised in the same way by someone else anyhow. I just wonder sometimes (especially after being given a bruise) if I've been careful enough with who I invite into my life and if I've picked out the right people to matter.

Aside from that, I also wonder about/question the boundlessness of love and am beginning to suspect that it does have its limits. How much of yourself do you offer/sacrifice before you decide that they're not The One for you? On the contrary, how many times can you allow someone to submit themselves to you before you start to lose respect for them? I guess nobody really knows, which is why we simply (conveniently????) "accept the love we think we deserve". (Stephen Chbosky.)

I know things have been annoyingly random and/or vague on here tonight, but I can't help it because I'm thinking in incomplete sentences and no longer bother listening to new ideas. Swear I'll write normally in a couple of days. Cya.

Participation

Whassup....!

The Dynamic Duo (Sarah and I) visited the Boobie Booth at Overeasy for some cheap (free actually) thrills last night. We were both banking on her 36D breasts to get us a bottle of Belvedere to share (and then kill us), only to have our alcoholic dreams smashed into more pieces than what they were originally made up of when the judges offered them a C- cup rating instead.

To hide our disappointment, we observed 8 seconds of silence before proceeding to flirt shamelessly with the bartender. We convinced him to jack up the ratio of cranberry juice and vodka to something like 1 : 25, and ended up giving people the impression that our parents did a lousy job raising us/helplessly inebriated for the next hour or so. We also did an interview where we lied about being born in 1990 and pretty much everything else.

Unlike Sarah, I've never had anyone (besides Shaun) stare at my chest for more than 2 seconds or used my rack to get free stuff before, so the whole experience was very fresh and fascinating for me. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about society objectifying the female body, but I know I don't like it very much. Last night probably won't happen again.... (Vassup mom! Harlo dad!)

Afterward, Sarah (the cunning whore slut cunt) talked Husain into financing our transportation and then the cab driver into racing a Ferrari (effing hell????). 15 exhilarating minutes later, we were at Eugene's party struggling to sound in tune and like a band on Band Hero.

Anyway, I'll be spending the night at Crockfords Tower. I've got a butler. Fyl. (Yea!!!!!) (This is kinda awesome.)

Tithe

I feel strange today. Like death. Probably cause I got very little sleep last night. And I actually stayed in school till the sun was almost setting to finish up some of my assignments (despite being ideologically opposed to work), when I could've gone home at 2 PM to read a chapter of something by Malcolm Gladwell, a bit of Vladimir Nabokov and maybe even a trashy fashion magazine with lots of cleavage. (So weird.) I've been doing a lot of things that I wouldn't usually do, and at the same time, I've stopped doing a lot of the things I'd usually do. I think I might be growing up, or something.

The fact that I've refrained from trying to kill other people with my eyes (because it's lame and doesn't work) loans credence to this theory. And, with the exception of Monday morning when I told Judith her shoes were ugly (because they really WERE ugly and somebody HAD to tell it to her face), I say a lot of nice things now. Even though half/most of the time I'm insincere, I don't think anyone really minds or can tell anyway. I'm just giving diplomacy a chance.

Click this.

I almost forgot to wake up for school this morning. (My mom still thinks I forgot on purpose.) But the phone rang and I picked up. Shaun told me to have fun in school, I told him to have sweet dreams. (The time difference between Begonia Drive and Begonia Walk is about 12 hours.) Sometimes (especially before I get my period) I freak out and become so afraid of losing something/someone I love that I refuse to love anything/anyone at all, but then I remember that "adventure without risk is Disneyland" and it somehow helps me to stop wasting myself (and what I have) on fear.

(What is your deepest fear?)

Oh dear, I have typed so much. I got to go now. Goodbye grasshoppers

Agony

Hi! Sorry things have been so slow (or stagnant) around here. I've got a legit reason for my absence, though. Convinced that a cockroach ran over my foot in our backyard the other night, I spent the past week curled up in the fetal position, unable to reach my computer. The evidence is irrefutable. (An insect with a relatively small head and flattened body in a brownish hue with 6 legs, the size of my eraser.) Yea.... Terrifying.

Some might say I'm gallant for finally getting my shit together to make it out of bed and write something here. Others might say that I probably only saw a beetle, but they'd be wrong. (Duh.) If it really were a beetle, why did I scream and embarrass myself in front of my neighbours and risk waking up my insomniac dad? Think about it.... (It was a cockroach.)

Even though it's been only 11 days, and not feigning ignorance to how three quarters of the time I was scaring off most people I know (and didn't know) by acting like an f- ing crazy idiot because of either beer or intensified PMS, I love 2010.

Today was my 15th first day. I've always loved Mondays, but usually because I'm still partying from the Saturday. Thinking about it, this school thing does kinda suck a lot. Thinking about it some more, junior college is almost the best thing that could happen to anyone. I just hope I go places when this is all over.

We had 2 hours of China Studies today which I felt was a little unnecessary and inappropriate. (Overkill.) I scored 27/100 at the last exam I sat for, so it's probably best that I keep my personal opinions and feelings to myself. The first 20 minutes sped by like a Renault F1 car. (Uhh..... Not really. The room was conducive for sleep.) (I should know.)

My tutor gave us M&M's to eat, which almost made me want to idolize her. (I didn't, duh. "I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no strange gods before Me.") I was also preoccupied with the boy sitting across me who refused to make eye contact with me. I hope he doesn't spread rumours about how I tried to steal his soul on the first day of our senior year, or something. I already have a creepy loner reputation which I worked very hard to earn for myself, and I'm not about to tarnish it with something like 'freaky soul thief'. (Hayl. No.)

My fascination with his dislocated shoulder eventually wore off, and the people who "couldn't find D02- 01" eventually found D02- 01. Then my tutor said something about Deng Xiaoping and something about Mao Zhedong, and then something else about economic modernization. (Or something, I'm not sure.) I just know everything went downhill after that.

I think I learnt some stuff (circular flow of income, differential equations, Coastal Open Cities) today, which is pretty cool and unusual and kind of a big deal for me. I normally go through most of my school term in a brain dead/laid- back/carefree way, and figure out the complicated and difficult curriculum towards the end of the year. (Late bloomer.)

Preparing for my exams almost gave me a heart attack last year, so I'm trying this new thing where I write my own essays and solve my own equations, and go to school and NOT sleep/space out while I'm being taught. Apparently, doing this will help you be above average (what I want to be) and get you into university (where I want to go). I'm going to be so pissed off if the world ends in 2012. (Ha ha ha..... No, seriously.)

Anyway, I got quite a lot of double takes on the train on my way to school and along the corridors in school today. I wonder if it's cause I look awkward and retarded tripping on my maxi school skirt in my (improvised) New Balance sports shoes that have an inverted 'N' drawn on on one side. Although, I did grab a pair of kitchen scissors the other afternoon to cut my hair (on impulse and without strategy), and I also started using a new brand of shampoo recently. My hair is pretty stunning these days, so it's hard to say.

Ok. Goodnight!